Eyes Wide Open

June 13, 2015                                               Day 28

Once a month my husband and I go into Liverpool for the day. Its a big thing for us but for different reasons. For me, because its pretty much the only time I get out, me being reliant on my wheelchair and someone to push me. For my husband, because he is pretty much in full carer mode.

I can not speak for my angel of a husband but it always is bitter-sweet experience for me. On one hand I am so happy to be out with my husband, in the fresh air and among people, doing a bit of shopping.

For my husband it must be a logistic nightmare of pushing a woman twice the weight she should be and keeping her medicated adequately.

It is always this burden I place on him that marrs what should be a break for both of us. But the way I react to this insight has changed. Instead of burying the hurt and shame I feel in soothing junk food, I acknowledge the way I feel and let it inspire me to make healthier choices that will reflect more possitively on my weight and ease the burden I place on my husband.. It will take time to shed the pounds but they did not just appear over night either. The point is that I am awke, aware and addressing what needs to be changed and then change it.

Talk is cheap. Actions speak louder than words. Love is action.

I have managed to learn to love mself as I am, here, now, and that has allowed me to draw on a strength that has compassion at its centre. Before, I would have collapsed under the weight of self-hate and condemnation.

I feel free to make healthy choices now, because I am no longer self-medicating a negative mindset.

What a shame it took me 40 years to learn this. But better late than never.

Breakfast: 2 Wholemeal Sandwiches with Seitan & Fat-Free Vegan Cheese

Lunch: 4 Fat-Free Seitan Nuggets, 1 Wholemeal Crust with Hummus & at-Free Vegan Cheese

Dinner: Pasta & Sauce, Sweetcorn

Drinks: 3 cups of Coffee & Soy Milk, 750 ml Water

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